Updated: Oct 6, 2020
The Badass Ladies Club is a community founded by Lawrie and her best friend Jessica. They are both passionate about personal growth and self healing, which has turned into a podcast where they dive deep into their own healing process.
The following are a glimpse into the creative process at the Badass Ladies Club Podcast. Lawrie has always used writing as a tool for understanding her feelings, and these blogs helped shape her conversations on air.
Visit the website for show details and merchandise at www.badassladiesclub.com .
You can check out the latest episodes on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube.
Click LINK to Tune into our Podcast: Link
How quarantine changed me and inspired the launch of The Badass Ladies Club.
In the Spring 2020 I spent 8 1/2 weeks in quarantine in my home in East Fort Worth. My husband is a bicycle mechanic and bike shops are essential to transportation, so I got to spend 5 out of 7 days a week home alone.
I guess it wasn’t a really strict quarantine. I made essential runs to get groceries and garden supplies. I went to my non-essential salon, which had been closed by state mandate, a few times a week to deliver curbside pick ups and return phone calls. I reorganized closets and binge watched a few reality shows while obsessively cleaning frequently used surfaces and washing my hands.
I took naps. I read books. I journaled. I pulled out painting supplies and made a studio in my sun room for a weekend, I prepped and planted a spring vegetable garden. I still had so much more time off than I had ever experienced in my adult working life, so clearly it was time to adopt a puppy… which I did.
All of my daily to do lists were at times interrupted with tiny tearful breakdowns. The ground was shifting under my feet, life as I knew it at work and out in the world was changing in ways I couldn't predict. As the weeks rolled on I became more and more unable to control the swings from feverish productivity to sobbing crisis mode. I went through the awareness so many of us found at our feet when you strip away the ‘busy’ from our lives and are left with whatever really IS.
What I found was untapped potential. Disappointment in myself for having such big dreams and goals, and allowing the ‘busy’ to put them on the back burner. My own procrastination and fear of judgement loomed heavy in my heart and mind. I had to wade through the shame of denying myself the time and opportunity to grow and evolve. I had nothing but time now.
I kept falling into this weird foggy focus that made it easier to obsess over the global pandemic and it’s impending destruction of the salon industry, to which I had committed 2 decades of my life into growing. I couldn't really see or identify how to move forward on any of the dozen passion projects I never had time to focus on, because the reality of my income and work identity were being so threatened.
So many times during quarantine I felt lost. Like I was falling down a spiral staircase into a place where I imagined I would never surface again. The uncertainty and fear of not knowing what would happen next was palpable. Tears, pacing, eating, drinking, going on walks, watching TV… all the things I had time to do… none of it worked. The thing that helped the most was the love and compassion of my beautiful husband, and my Badass lady friends.
You see I have a few really close, really connected lady friends. We lavish each other with verbal praise and divine titles like Goddess and lady love. We hug when we leave one another and say “I love you” to one another. We understand that sometimes life hands women challenges and headaches that can only another woman can relate to. We don’t judge, we listen. We unconditionally love each other, in all of our glorious imperfections. We allow one another to be whomever she wishes to be, and support the constant evolution that is LIFE.
Jessica, one of my very best friends, and I work together everyday. We have for nearly 10 years now. You see a lot of life together in that amount of time. Our friendship has been a gradual progression as we both grow into the women we are becoming. We have similar work ethics and different executions. We hold one another accountable, and keep our eye of the bar that we are reaching for. We allow one another grace, and hold space for each other when things hurt. We laugh at the dark humor and cynicism that may make us seem cruel or unfeeling to those outside of our friendship. Without this lady, I don’t know where I’d be.
I am so blessed to have a few friends of this caliber. It seems logical that all women have this type of constant support and friendship in their lives, but in my observation I can tell you that many do not. Creating a community of badass ladies supporting each other and sharing our stories haunted me, so here goes.
It is in the spirit of supporting all women in this powerful way that the Badass Ladies Club is born. A community of people who listen, accept, and celebrate one another when times are good and cheer you on when things are hard.
Our podcast launches very soon, and you my badass friend are invited to join us!
Who’s a good girl? Exploring the Good Girl/Bad Girl Complex
I learned early on that I was expected to be good, and that being good would earn me the things in life that I wanted. Being good earned me praise from authority figures, which I still really thrive on as an adult sometimes. This directive was given to me before I really even knew what to want as a sentient being in this world. I am motivated by praise, therefore I will be GOOD. Whatever that is.
When I think back to what it meant to be a good girl… I was expected to be polite, to do well in school, to look out for my little brother, to be sweet, to be pretty, to go to church, to respect my elders… all of these things are amazing, and I am so grateful for their foundation in my personality. Most of them are behaviors I came by naturally anyway.
I heard “be a good girl for _______” countless times growing up from all my family members. It’s an almost unconscious phrase we humans say. I say it today to my niece or other tiny humans I love. It just comes out. Do I even really mean it? What if she’s not good? Aren’t we all not good sometimes? Can’t she just be who she is and do her best?
Families aren't the only messengers of the good girl indoctrination. I saw it on TV and read it in books. I heard it at school and at church. I observed the world around me… it was prevalent all around me, grooming girls to become ideal women.
Good girls were the ones who got marriage proposals and had happy lives. Bad girls were outcasts and shamed. Even in 2020, women who push back and stand up for themselves are labeled as hysterical, nasty, or crazy.
The image of a good girl shifted and changed as I grew. When I was in grade school, good girls listened to teachers and obeyed rules. When I was in junior high good girls joined extra circulars, focused on good grades and had perfect hair and wardrobe. When I was in high school good girls were on honor roll and in AP classes, dated football players and had a do it all mentality about them. It was a lot of pressure.
About the time I was in 8th grade, I noticed this push/pull in my identity. I was from an upper middle class upbringing in a mid sized city in the central United States. I was safe in my home, loved by my family and did not suffer from abuse or neglect. I was a cheerleader, and average student, involved in activities and by most standard definitions… a very good girl. But the problem was, it felt like an act, and I was a brilliant actress.
You see, no matter the outward appearance of my current circumstances, I felt like this good girl image was just that, an image. A shell on the outside of the real me that showed all the people calling the shots in my world I could be who they wanted me to be.
I became an expert at embracing your image of who YOU wanted me to be.This awarded me many positive things in my life. I won competitions and boyfriends. I received awards and praise. My young hungry ego swelled with the validation that comes from fitting in.
Being good was a role I could pull off when needed to. However deep down inside, I knew I was acting… and if I had to pretend to be good in order to receive love and acceptance from the world… then in my natural state with the finery of my oscar worthy performances stripped away, I must at the core, be a bad girl.
Bad girls are wild. They do what feels good, not always what is right. Bad girls are selfish and impolite. They get in trouble, and do not follow instructions. Mostly, from where I was sitting, bad girls were free. Free to do as they pleased without the judgement and expectations of the world. I know now that is not true, that bad girls are judged, they just don’t let it stop them from being who they are.
As a teenager I incorrectly imagined bad girls came from homes that did not prioritize their safety and development. They had a REASON to be bad. They came from bad families and had bad upbringings. I had neither of those excuses which meant being a bad girl was not an option for me. I was afforded all the makings of a good girl, those were the cards I was dealt and that was the role I played… until a certain age.
I had a clear identity shift around 16 and into my early 20s where I went from pom squad uniform to all black lipstick and gothic princess in the blink of an eye. A quite literal move from good girl to bad girl, on the outside, for everyone to see.
It felt real and relatable in a way that I had not experienced before. It was artistic and I felt creative and inspired by this shift, and it absolutely changed the trajectory of my life in some ways. I didn’t really behave badly, I listened to a lot of music and read a lot of books, danced at dark wave and industrial clubs on my weekends, and explored oddities and dark hobbies with my friends.
Over the last 25 years I have embodied many different versions of the good girl and the bad girl. I know now that good and bad are just background noise. Those are just ideas that are projected onto my experience from the outside looking in.
I am just working hard at being Lawrie, and that means good and bad. It means light and dark.